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The Abyss…

Forgive me dear reader, it has been bloody ages since I have felt the need to pound this keyboard with my thoughts of smut and naughtyness. I appear to be having a dry spell. The last 2 ‘pages’ of smut for the wank wednesday prompt were not really smutty but more romantic and if you are one of my (really rather wonderful) subscribers (I appreciate you all mwah!) you will not have got an email notification about those pieces (they are under stories in the right hand column).

So yeah, where was I? Writer block or something. I’m rather hoping it’s not the or something but I fear it is. I’m standing at the edge of the sexual abyss looking down into nothingness and getting no clear picture of if I should jump or teeter on the cliff edge.

In English I don’t know where to go next.

I’m having a fabulous time with the DP and Anal and Spanking and generally having some great fun sex but I’m not sure it’s enough. Liar, I know it’s not bloody enough or I wouldn’t be musing about it all. I’m finding it’s a lot easier to orgasm, longer more satisfying and even more frequent which is a blessing. I crave release like a woman stranded in the dessert thirsty for water; I’m not keen on denying myself the pleasure but I find myself asking all to frequently, is that it? What next…  no matter how much I search through porn, tumblr, other blogs etc I’m not finding that certain something that makes me go “Fuck Yes!” I’m missing the bubbling excitement of a desire for fresh territory, a niche or kink that I can make mine and it’s rather frustrating!

I want more….

….there has to be more….

….but I don’t know what ‘more’ is.

Spank Me?

Goodness Gracious Me *fansself*… Did you see the story Writes For Her posted today? I’m quaking! It’s raw sex… I want to be that woman!! Please Mr.WFH #want…

Now, I don’t do pain.

How many time have you seen me write that, I could go through this site and count them, I’ll admit to being anal but not in that way! Feel free to trawl though and count yourselves should you wish. The fact remains that I don’t do pain. Not real pain. So you could be forgiven for being confused by my sexual obsession.

Spanking; it’s an art form to perform to perfection.

I know why I want it…it’s the loss of control, the slight submissiveness, the resonance of the spank on your ass, the resistance of will, a play fight. The sound of a hand against your flesh, the apprehension, waiting for the hand to fall.  The blessed intrusion of the fingers into your pussy, the sound of wetness, knowing that this is really what you want, actually it’s more than just a want, it’s a need…

*sigh* I have no idea why I need this so much…

…. oh yeah apart from being a finger fucking addict!

I’m not into any other area of BDSM, like I said the pain thing… also the tying up thing I struggle with. I implicitly trust my partner but the last time he tied me up to the bed post and did wonderful things to me he kept asking permission; kind of takes the edge off it a bit. I did threaten him with repercussions (like burying his face in the pillow and sucking his balls whilst fingering his ass… not much of an incentive to get it right is it 😉 ) I don’t think he gets it either, he’s a gentle soul who hates to hurt me and no matter how often I tell him “It really doesn’t hurt!” my yelps of surprise seem to suggest otherwise.

I recently er stumbled, yes, that is it, stumbled, on the most fabulous tumblr, I do stumble upon marvelous tumblrs fairly often (reminds self to do a post on my most beloved tumblr blogs) only this time rather than the usual reblogging affair it’s a personal journal of a couple and their love of spanking.  I was so thrilled reading their blog, my brain was popping with the way they express their love of a good spank, what it means to them. Being tumblr it’s interactive too so there are a lot of questioned asked and clearly answered.  If you like spanking or just want to get to grips with the basics you need to go back through Little Miss Spankypants blog and read from the beginning. I did drop them a line and ask if I could show one of their clips here, I guess they are ‘busy’ lucky so and so’s… You can find them on Tumblr anyway and I urge you to do so.

Back to my dear friend Writes For Her. I know we have discussed your Her many many times, She may not always appreciate what she has in you, but I can tell you this. She’s a bloody lucky woman to have caught your attention even if you can’t have each other.  I’m going to be coming back to this story over and over and over again….

 

Female Fuckbuddy?

You know those time where you think you are missing out and you really don’t want to but you feel you have just missed the boat and even if you caught it, the ride might not be to your liking anyway? That…

I expect you are all groaning and mumbling “What the fuck…” as usual.

Basically it’s this. I’m really open minded, as long as it doesn’t involve Children, Animals and it’s consensual you can get up to what you like and within the vast constraints in my personal life, so can I.

Only I can’t…

I’m not – no matter how much I think I would like to be – Sexually attracted to other women, in any way and I find this a little disappointing to say the least. Over the years I must have met and enjoyed the company of hundreds of people and silently in my head somewhere, quite often at subconscious level I have that annoyingly human propensity to file them in little boxes, like “not hot” “agreeable” “fairly hot”  “Fuck, I’d do you” and that rare beast “Take me now!!!”  I’ve never met a woman who gets further then an appreciative reflective “fairly hot”.

I’ve even discussed this with a friend of mine who just happens to be a lesbian, she said “You are just going to have to face the fact, as sad as it is, that you are straight and get over it!” She said this with a wry smile on her face too. She was amused by the idiocy of a straight woman, who actually would quite like to experience another woman but can’t find one she even remotely fancies because basically they are women and she doesn’t fancy them. I know, it’s daft.

Lets face it a female fuck-buddy would be awesome. Would there be anything more wonderful then sex with another woman? I mean all that soft skin, a delectable pussy to explore, nipple and breasts to squeeze. Other great win points are neither of us would get pregnant, there would be no arguments about the toilet seat being left up and if I had a problem she could help me discuss it rather than offering a solution without really listening! But, No matter how I think of it I can’t see it becoming a possibility.

Honestly, I’m getting wet just writing the last paragraph. I wonder if this perhaps means that somewhere, out in the world somewhere is a woman who could make me feel that spark of desire, to take the leap forward and revel in the delights of her glorious body and allow her to enjoy mine. It would take that spark too, the “Fuck, I’d do you” category because without it I don’t do anyone, a lesson I learnt in my ever so slightly promiscuous 20’s after a few ‘mistakes’, it doesn’t matter how horny you are you have to live with your choices of partner, so I’d always tried to pick men I could remember with a clench and a smile.

A gentleman friend said to me this week on this very subject “You know, there is nothing wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with being straight.” and I do know that, although the internet and erotica seems to be full of Bi-Curious women trying to find some one to slake the curiosity, I’m aware that I’m actually very confident in my sexuality, I guess that is why I feel that I might have missed the boat, because I don’t feel the need to actively explore this sexual element.  I just continue on my journey in “Cockdom” enjoying the delights of the male body and mind, any wondering if there might be a woman out there who could ignite my lust is so deep in my mind that unless someone else says something it never occurs to me. Part of me hopes it’s not impossible though, part of me how ever dormant, still looks at women to see if they make the “Fuck, I’d do you” category,  she would have to be very special, one could argue that such a woman might not exist and in all probability if she did, she wouldn’t fancy me anyway…

Such is life.

 

The Power of Sex…

I’ve been asked;

Is it the thought of sex or sex itself that is more powerful for you?

It’s an intriguing question, one which I have spent a fair amount of time considering.

The thoughts of sex? 

I do think about sex a lot, sex and entanglement, of emotion, of desire.  The flirtatious firsts, kissing, touching, words spoken, body language, the unwritten signs, sexual chemistry.  The inner workings, thought patterns, lack of thought patterns. Deeper still; the movement, texture, smell, sound. At some point during everything I write I pause and think, what is she thinking, did he like that, is this working…

What turns me on, what turns me off…

Scenarios of sex play through my mind, stories need to brew until they over boiling from my head. I actually find it hard to write to a prompt or on a specific day, for personal reasons writing erotica on a Friday or at the weekend is much harder for me.  Which is why I try extra hard to join in with the prompted time related writing – it’s the masochistic streak in me.

Words fill my mind, I find a lot of writers don’t read, to a degree I’m guilty of that too, I have my favourite blogs that I try (and usually fail) to keep up with, they are not all erotic blogs, often human interest – people intrigue me, will she, won’t she, has he? These thoughts are ultimately about sex (or money.)

I have a deep passion for carefully constructed seductive words. If I find an erotic writer who articulately expresses their writing in a way that makes my mind reel and body react I will read everything they write. Words go through my head and my body follows. The way to my passion is through words.  I appreciate their danger like so few others.

Thoughts of sex are extremely powerful. In my head sex is exciting and positive, enthralling and beguiling. Nothing ever turns me off because I won’t let it happen, it’s all rose tinted and perfect even when it’s messy and squelchy, dirty and nasty – it all flows perfectly.

Sex itself?

Is fabulous, it contains everything my kookie mind dreams up because I do like putting my thoughts into actions, my other half is open to suggestions but to be honest he is just as good at coming up with ideas and feeling how he goes as I am.

Putting him aside for a moment and considering the question from the angle my friend wanted to know about.

Sex actually can be hard to get right, so many things can let you down.  New partners although exciting a prospect do not flow like holywood movie stars, not everything will click, whilst this can be fun to fathom out it can also be difficult if you don’t know how to communicate your need, how do you say ‘actually that isn’t working’ in the full throng of fellatio ;-0

Someone says the wrong thing, misinterprets your mood, bodily functions interrupt the atmosphere. There might be too much light, not enough light, the music isn’t getting you off, you drank too much, you didn’t drink enough!

Hmmmmm…..

As I have said before, I’m a Venusian and things on Venus are much more refined then on Mars, or Earth for that matter, can a woman who dreams of perfect ever expect that to happen in real life with all it’s uncomfortable limb entangled, misunderstanding, farting, coughing, finding a stray pubic hair in your mouth mess that is REALITY??

Well, it has happened so why should it not happen again *smirks*

Now whilst you might think this answers his question and the thought is more alluring then the act I’d like to add that  my friend also asked me:

Is the thought of having an affair…. the daydreams… fantasies….. better than the real thing…. in the long run.

and to be honest with you my dear I have no idea… Is having an affair a good idea at all?  Would it not be better off being in the open? A consensual arrangement between partners of an acknowledged physical need for variety? In my dreams…

Some would say no. Because of the emotional attachment that seems to get involved, the longing, the desire, the haunting feeling that comes of not being able to have the one person you want. The futility of knowing what you have however good it was before may never be right again, not to mention living with the guilt, the betrayal.

Some would say yes. The thrill of the chase, the adrenaline, the discovery of a new person, the potential of fulfillment….

Sexual utopia for me would perhaps be a place where experimentation with other people is permissive IF the parties concerned were able to separate their feelings from the act, in my experience this is a rare occurrence.

I can’t help thinking that the more I think about sex and having sex, the thought of lovers and being the object of someones desire , of being wanted, held and loved for the sake of the moment the more questions I find I have…

To my friend who asked the question I’d say that any conclusions I may ever reach on the subject – and finding a conclusion is not looking good – would only ever apply to me in that moment. I can’t answer this for you.

~ * ~

To start at the beginning of my journey on this blog, click here

then follow the arrows to the next post

….and so my head explodes!

When you take a step out of your life into another world, things happen.  You don’t always know the far-reaching implications of these things but it makes you think. Or rather, it makes me think and my brain explodes.

Today was blissful, fun and endearing. I went on a trip to the city with a friend who I’m extremely fond of and do not see enough of, we had a lovely day and then I had to say goodbye, which honestly hurt like fuck. I don’t know when we will manage to see each other again, if at all.  Once he had gone and I’d finished reliving through our time together I found myself thinking quietly about ‘stuff’ real life stuff, home stuff, internet stuff – namely this blog.

I only started this blog at the end of last week, I needed somewhere to publish my story What She Wanted, that was the motivator, but I also wanted a place to vent the thoughts that puzzle me about life. It’s this aspect of Moonbeam that I was dwelling on today, thinking about what I have blogged so far and the things waiting to be worked out as they whizz and banged in my head today and I realised it’s not fair on the reader to let them assume this is a factual blog.  Moonbeam is me, of course she is but she’s a larger than life me who thinks on a far more unhindered, confident and filthy level that I could carry off…  Me with my many responsibilities and my restricted movement. Moonbeam would take off at the drop of a hat on an adventure, I rarely go anywhere on my own, it’s a fact of life that I’m used to living with and have to for a few more years yet. My choice, I love it but I also need to kick off and live it up sometimes, which I do in my head…

That probably sounds weird…

What it comes down to is Moonbeam is a characterisation and I can’t guarantee anything you read is totally factual, mostly it will be after all, they are the thoughts in my head but I guess I’m using this as a disclaimer, if you can live with that, read on I hope it will be filthy, irreverent and open-minded. If not, well… that is what the x at the top right hand corner is for isn’t it.  The reason I am telling you is I’m essentially an honest person and would hate to mislead anyone.

 

Today and Tomorrow

Christmas has nothing on this.  This tight little knot of extreme excitement I feel, it’s blocking my throat making it constricted, I’m gasping at life, sucking it in nervously.  My stomach is churning, yesterday I barely ate anything, today hunger eludes me completely. I’m standing at the cliffs edge looking down but all I can see fluffy white clouds, I’ve no idea what lies beneath them and that in itself is breathtaking. Yes, I’m worried there are rocks below and I’m going to end up hurt, there could be nothing at all and I will just keep falling forever, air rushing past me endlessly, or perhaps if fate is playing a charmed hand, I will find the place I should be in the world.

I have no idea how this is going to play out…

Tomorrow is a new challenge, very exciting, thrilling even and I can’t tell you about it, not even here in my quiet little incognito corner on a blog nobody reads. Not because I’m not able to share, I could… But I won’t. This feeling belongs to me, I intend to share it with someone special but not today and, to be honest I’m too busy hugging myself and quietly whispering “Squeeeeee” with delight to enlighten you any further.

I’m sure if I succeed it will come out in the words I choose, as will any failure, where things like this are concerned only time will tell.