Blog Archives

NAKED!!!

I like naked.

Naked feels good, clothes feel wrong. They confine me. I like to feel a breeze brush over my skin, my body to move unfettered. Apparently there is a label for people like me, it’s Naturist. I do love feeling closer to nature. So I’m ruling out the possibility I might be (like Urban Dictionary suggests) a pretentious Nudist 😉

Following on from my last post you would be forgiven for being confused. There seems to be a conception out there that naturist are exhibitionist. Right or wrong, I couldn’t say. I’ve not been able to be naked in public since I was about 9 on a beach in France, apart from the changing rooms in the sports centre, I’d like to try again.

I don’t have a local ‘Naturist’ spot or spa around here, the nearest one appears to be just over an hour away and I have seen it said that it’s full of ‘clothes’ out for a leer *shudders*. I’d like to find an isolated spot, in a forest somewhere secluded and fling my clothes off, caution and skin to the wind. The thought of someone finding me like that, alone,  scares seven bells out of me!

It’s just not to be is it…

So I will continue to wear as little clothing as I can outside my home. Walk through the door, strip off…

On My Best Behaviour……

I spend such a lot of time being smutty, thinking naughty thoughts, writing (eloquently I hope) about sex that it’s getting to a point where I’m finding interacting with people in a ‘normal’ clean decent fashion is becoming an issue.

Case in point – yesterday. Walking past Ann Summers in the city I noticed they have their sale on. I stated my interest, my sister (we are on the same page about most things) nodded with interest, her friend exclaimed “My God you are actually considering that!” I looked at her in surprise “Of course I am, I do love a bargain! I’ve got Ann Summers undies on today!” Her face was a picture. My sister did point out her friend was “Religious” and not always comfortable with subjects I find natural to talk about.

During the rest of the day I tried really hard to be on my best behaviour, it was the least I could do for my sister, I talked about my holiday, my kids, I would have attempted to join in the conversation about trash TV except I never watch it and so (as usual) have no idea who some B’list presenter was & I really couldn’t give a monkeys arse who got the sack on some convoluted excuse for entertainment…

I even held back when my tweet regarding having a Costa in Bath wouldn’t go through due to the shit signal in the dear old city and she commented under her breath that I should “Get a life” (Isn’t it funny how these people who claim to have a life always know who every celebrity is what they are doing with their career and life and watch what must amount to hours and hours of telly – living their ‘life’ vicariously? I prefer my social network of twitter pals #justsaying)

Don’t think I didn’t get my own back…. I bit my tongue very successfully but I wasn’t going to miss out on the Ann Summers sale! I had a grin like a slice of watermelon when the lady in question ventured to the back of the shop to try on undies and I proceeded to have a loud conversation with my sister about the merits of the different vibrators *sniggers* I even regaled them with the mint lube story.

Thinking forward, I have a fair few social engagements coming up where I’m going to have to be ‘super vanilla’ a wedding and a girls night and I do wonder why my social life when it occurs is so boringly main stream…

I honestly don’t think it’s me that’s the issue here, I’m just super cool and love talking smut 😉

Everyone else is uptight *sniggers*

To start at the beginning of my journey on this blog, click here

then follow the arrows to the next post

Ice Ice Baby…

I’m a great fan of cold, love it, one might say I can’t get enough of it.  When I’m all hot and steamed up, cold hands running up my back make me shiver in the good way. Lick me, blow on it lovingly and  buttons get firmly pushed all over my body.  Ice cubes traced delicately around my nipples send me gasping, begging for more and push them inside me and I will probably have your babies…

Don’t worry, I’m well up to speed on how babies are made 😉

Glass dildos have a certain je ne sais quoi, especially when applied straight from the freezer.  My glass waterproof vibe from a certain high street sex toy shop is the Most. Amazing. Vibrator. In. The. World. it’s permanent place of residence when not in use is the ice cube tray in the freezer, Yum.

So when I was in that certain High Street sex toy shop and happened to see a Mint orgasm increasing cooling lube my face broke into a smile which probably made the shop assistant blush. I say probably, I wasn’t looking, I’d just fallen in love… (At this juncture I’d like to point out that this is not a sponsored post but I’m open to bribes suggestions concerning product reviews, especially lingerie  and tickets to theatres, just saying…)

Now, this green goo really does have a pleasant nip to it and it tastes pretty good too, as for orgasm enhancing I may have to do some experimentation to prove it wasn’t a fluke, you know, scientifically speaking.

But maybe it’s me, I’m the sensitive sort. (You can tell can’t you I know I oooze a sort of helpless female, lay back and take it, thinking of England charm…. Not.)  It’s left my lady parts rather swollen.  I’m making assumptions as to why because I don’t think the act itself was any more vigorous than usual although it has to be said I got what I was after Thursday more or less *grins and sniggers*  so I have to believe the gel has caused the swelling of my not so tiny and neat vagina.  It’s almost twice it’s normal size and chaffes as I walk!

This swelling does seem to be restricted to my genitalia, his seems so far unchanged in size typically, I asked him, ‘What do I do? There’s nothing I can put on it is there?’ and he said ‘For swelling anywhere else you put on a cold compress’ I frown until the light dawns ‘like a bag of frozen peas’ Mmmm this is looking interesting ‘Yes, but you will have to throw away the peas afterwards’ He knows I hate waste…

So, I spent several hours yesterday afternoon sitting on a freezer pack, covered in a pillow case, while I worked on my manuscript and it was very pleasant indeed! and yes, the swelling has eased a lot thank you for being concerned, if it happens again you will be the third to know no doubt.

– – ~ * ~ – –

To start at the begining of my journey on this blog, click here then follow the arrows to the next post

Orchids are not the only flowers…

Okay listen up.. I’m old, I have a fragile ego and I worry about things needlessly. Only one of these I believe to be true. However, sometimes I can’t help feeling all three at once for the most bizarre reasons.  Recently I have been getting a little jumpy with regard to a certain part of my anatomy, I shall tell you why.

A male friend of mine with whom I do on occasion share in very flirty banter happened to comment that he bet I had a very neat pussy. Apparently he likes a neat pussy, when I questioned what he meant he said “Some of them look like a train wreck!” bearing in mind please that he has NO IDEA what my pussy looks like I can’t help thinking he was on dodgy ground and just expressing an opinion, his opinion without even thinking about the implications of what my pussy might actually look like…

Later that week I happened to be surfing Tumblr as is my won’t and I came across a post reblogged from a site call “perfectpussies.” Out of some weird masochistic desire to horrify myself even further I had to go and have a look. Page after page of tiny mounded, light-skinned, pink and tidy, thin-lipped pussies with no pubic hair what so ever…

Now I’m feeling old and a little fragile and worried – oh boy worried.

And so, like so many women before me I fetch a mirror and have a squat. I’ve done it before but to be honest the last time was just after I’d given birth, I had stitches was bruised as fuck and really very swollen. The midwife warned me not to do it and to be honest I wish I had listened to her, it made me cry….

So I’m in the bathroom with the door firmly shut squatting over a mirror and what I see doesn’t look too bad to me but it’s not small and pale with tiny lips, au contraire,  I’m olive-skinned over most of me and much darker ‘down there’ with rather large lips. (No I’m not going to post a picture, don’t even think it 😉 )

Paranoia creeps in, I ask my partner “Does my pussy look like a train wreck?” He gasped, seriously he did! “No!”  He says “I love your pussy, so good to eat…” he drifts off and then starts detailing how he enjoys nibbling and sucking me, tracing his fingers lightly or being a little rougher depending on my reactions, honestly I could have listened for hours getting hornier all the time, in this respect he’s right, there is plenty to play with and oh fuck does it ever feel good!

So I feel a little less paranoid but it occurs to me after all this time that showing my vagina to a new man is actually a very scary prospect! It wouldn’t stop me for a second, don’t get me wrong but one man’s lovely pussy is another mans train wreck, surely…

So now I don’t feel so old, mainly because frankly I’m not… in my head at least. I don’t feel as fragile but I do feel a little worried still. I go back to tumblr to do some “research” and this is the conclusion I have come to…

Yes, some pussies look like a ‘train wreck’ but it doesn’t seem to matter to the amount of reblogs they get.  My lips are by no means of the largest variety so I should quit worrying.  Loads of women have darker skin around their vaginas and at the top of their thighs, it’s natural so don’t worry about it and best of all, the pictures and gifs where the men appear to be having the MOST fun are the ones with the larger slitted ladies with a rounder mound of venus… At this point I stopped worrying because you know, there are men and women who prefer neat pussies and there are men and women who prefer to get a really good mouthful and I should know better then worry…

Different strokes for different folks…. but please, don’t stop at stroking xx

– – ~ * ~ – –

To start at the begining of my journey on this blog, click here.